Those apples better be worth it!

I'm not afraid of much.

I mean, I'm not really a "girly girl" in that, I don't scream when I see a mouse.  I don't really get overly upset about mud or getting my hands/body dirty.  I can butcher and cut up meat like any other good farm kid.  I can shoot animals, muck barns out, you name it.

BUT- I draw the line at moths and wasps.  I am a chicken sh*t when it comes to getting up close and personal with those particular...things.

You're probably thinking, "Moths?  Seriously??  What is so scary/awful/disgusting about moths???"

Moths are gross.  They're "fluttery" and clingy.  They've got big HAIRY legs.  Their "feelers" are all huge and googly-eyed looking.  I just don't like them.  They're nasty and if I ever get the chance to squash them, I do.  In fact, just the other morning I was sweeping out my garage and a BIG DISGUSTING HAIRY BROWN MOTH swooped all over my face, looking for somewhere to hide.  I took half a second to realise it was "just a moth" and swung my broom like a crazy-lady on crack-cocaine.  There wasn't much left of it after I was through.

Wasps on the other hand....are downright DANGEROUS.  I lived in Australia for 7 months-a LOT of their bugs are venomous and I came to fear the unknown.  The red-back spider bite can be fatal. The ants were an inch long and would GRAB a (small) TWIG from my hand.  Their snakes are venomous.  Their spiders are HUGE AND HAIRY.  Everything there seems like it COULD possibly kill me-with just one bite/sting.  Wasps are a lot like Australia's insects.  They are mean, vicious and might be able to kill me?  (I don't really know if they could kill me with their sting, because I've never been stung.  And I don't ever intend to be. *fingers crossed*)

I was away for about five days this past week.  In my absence, a small colony of wasps decided to BUILD THEIR NEST on MY apple tree.  The apple tree that has beautiful, delicious red apples that had just ripened perfectly for picking.

I was about ten feet away from my apple tree (picking beans) and took a break from my labor to glance at my delicious, ripe apples. (apple-picking was next on my "to-do" list)

Devastated.  Disappointed.  Scared.  Angry.

Those were all the emotions that flitted across my mind-and in that order too.  They all flew out the nearest exit when I heard a wasp buzz past me.  I finished my bean-picking and sat down to think about how I was going to dispose of those darn pests in order to pick my apples.

I posted my dilemma to Facebook for ideas.  Several people commented that they have wasp nests in particularly troublesome areas.  Some said they surrendered their produce to the wicked little beasts.  And then my cousin pipes up with this SOLID piece of advice: "Wait till late at night and take a BIG black garbage bag.  Put it over the nest and tie off.  CUT OFF THE BRANCH and BURN IT.  Only way to get rid of it.  Just sayin'..."

Thanks Daryl.  I totally did JUST THAT!  Sort of... (minus the whole put the garbage bag over the nest, tying off and burning it)

I definitely psyched myself up for this job.  I waited until 9:30 p.m. (Sun went down at 9ish, wasps sleep at night, right? That's what I hoped anyway...)  Then I got suited up.  Jeans, thick sweater, Carhartt overalls, thick bunnyhug (for all you non-Sasky people; that's a hooded sweatshirt), ball cap, gloves and my kids' stroller bug netting to finish off the ensemble.  I was rockin' my outfit. (and sweating bullets just thinking about having a nest full of angry wasps chasing me down for destroying their house)

See?  Clearly "bringing sexy back" for wasp destruction night.

I grabbed my giant garbage bag, a flashlight and a step-ladder and faced my fears like a good farm girl does.  

First I checked the nest- yep, the wasps were "sleeping" aka not flying like jet fighters at my face.  Then I set up my little step ladder just underneath the nest (actually it was more like 4 feet too far away...)  I grabbed my tree branch cutters and my bag, checked my "netting" one last time, and sidled up nice and close. (is 3 feet too far???)  Then, I see that I won't be able to get the bag over the nest due to another branch being in the way.  So I slowly attempt to remove the first offending branch.  Obviously I need to speak to my farmer about sharpening my shears, because that half-inch branch took FOREVER to cut through!!!!  To top it all off, I then proceeded to BUMP the nest getting the branch out.  *BLEEP!!!!*  My heart leaped into my throat as I heard the swarm buzz to life.  There were wasps performing reconnaissance missions immediately following "the slight bump" to the colony.  I grabbed my heart and my supper, shoved it back in, and ran/stumbled in the dark back to my house.

Shit.

Soooooooo, I undress from my suit of armor, head up the stairs and hear from my brave farmer (yeah, yeah, you're wondering why HE isn't out there performing wasp destruction!?!?!  I am too actually......)  "Did you get them?"

"No.  No I didn't," was my response.  Then...LIGHT-BULB!  Daryl said to burn it.  I went directly back downstairs and suited up again.  Only this time, I had a weapon.  FIRE.

EXTREME DANGER-yep, just what the doctor ordered.

Back out I go, with my trusty flammables in my gloved hand.  I shine the flashlight at the nest again to see if the reconnaissance missionaries were back at home.  All looked quiet again.  I tried my best to sneak nice and close, and pulled the trigger. 

Nothing.  

Obviously I was not close enough.  Sidled another 2 feet and felt two wasps buzz past my head.  OH.  MY.  GOD.  Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.  I pulled the trigger again, and......SUCCESS!!!  The base of that nest lit up!  I stumbled/ran back about ten feet into the darkness to watch.  I could hear the swarm of them getting louder. And then...the flames died.  I hoped to the high heavens the initial flame had got most of the nest, and then I headed back into the house away from any stray dive-bombers.

The next day it was a blustery, rainy day.  I went to see the damage when I had a spare minute.  Sadly, it was minimal.  Only the bottom third of the back half of the nest was charred.  And boy were those wasps busy!!!  I was disappointed with my results.  My farmer tells me that if I had used a "tiger-torch" those nasty little buggers would be TOASTED.  However, I had another LIGHT-BULB. 

I suited up again, but because this time my mission was taking place during daylight, I put on an extra denim jacket, over the bunnyhug and Carhartts.  

I grabbed the smallest pail I could find, and set out.  The wasps were very busy repairing the damage to their nest.  The wind picked up and was moving the branches quite vigorously.

And I?  

I was picking all the apples on THIS side of the apple tree.  I think I'll be able to manage a couple apple pies and maybe an apple crumble or two.

You win, you nasty, waspy, evil little creatures.  You win.  (Please don't sting me-or my babies-in retaliation.)  

Now just you wait until the snow comes....

My sad little pail of apples that I stole from the wasps.